Category Archives: life

Love in the time of motherhood

We love you, and you can't escape!
We love you, and you can’t escape!

I came across this great article from the Offbeat Empire called Parental self-congratulation disguised as self-deprecation, and it made me think of the other side of the battle I’ve been waging with myself lately. For whatever reason — the lack of routine in the summertime, conference season for me and Tom, growth spurts, half-birthdays — the kids have been unusually needy lately, especially Amelia. It’s like we’re back in the baby/toddler phases when only Mommy’s good-night kiss/snuggle/band-aid/reading voice/opinion would do.

Just like when they were babies/toddlers — maybe more so — it’s exhausting. I am accustomed to having my own quiet time in the evening, and Amelia’s needs at night are eating away at that time. When I go out for an evening on my own, she walks me to my car and sobs in the drive away as I pull away. Even when it’s Tom’s turn to tuck them in, the kids beg for me to go in after him, and tuck them in again.

It’s exhausting, it gets claustrophobic, and I struggle with resentment. I have this sense that I ought to “carpe diem” the crap out of these days — they’re not getting any younger, and neither am I — but what with work, kids, marriage, and every dang thing else, it’s hard to find time that’s just for me! But even as I pull away, trying to make time and space for myself, the kids seem to cling harder. I doubt there’s a perfect solution, but I’m a bit gobsmacked by the fact that I’m still fighting for personal time/space with kids aged 3 and 6 — somehow I thought they’d be more independent by now. I keep telling myself to count my blessings, but candidly I’m much more inclined to start gnawing my own leg off.

Baxter on WordPress and Aunt Jen (Mylo)

 Mama, you’re WordPress, right?

(laughing) Kind of. Me and a lot of other people, honey. 

A lot of other people and you and Aunt Jen, right? 

Yes, that’s right. 

I wish Aunt Jen could live in our house. Because her is my so-nice Aunt Jen. And I love her. 

Well, she loves you a lot too. 

Maybe Daddy could build her a bed here, and her could sleep on it at our house! And her could sleep over! (thoughtful pause) Does she live in Portland? 

Yes. 

Good. Can you send her a picture of me? Cheese! 

  

Silence

I enjoyed this article from the On Being blog, called Silence and the Space to Be Amazed: 

Being silent, listening, noticing, and telling what amazes you is a metaphor for the scientific method. All hypotheses are created by noticing something weird or awesome or crazy or wrong, and wanting to figure out why. Or in the case of noticing something wrong, wanting to figure out how to change it. We would not have the breadth of knowledge about the world and the way it works if people did not have the capacity to be silent and notice.

This reminded me about John Francis’ story of how he stopped talking for 17 years (oh and also he stopped using any gas-powered form of transportation). In the interview John says, “I thought I would give my community a gift of my not speaking so much.” Here’s his TED talk:

I think I sometimes use words not to communicate, but to prove and justify my existence. What would happen if I spoke less? Less correcting, less clarifying, less instructing, less expressing my opinion. More asking questions, more silence, more… awe?

One of my favorite poems is Walt Whitman’s When I Heard the Learn’d Astronomer:

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

That perfect silence is evidently waiting;Milkyway-galaxy-sky-stars_-_West_Virginia_-_ForestWander I wonder what might come out of it.

Concerts in Ardenwald Park

Tonight for National Night Out, we went to one of the free summer concerts at our local (really local, like 5 block away) park. The Ardenwald-Johnson Creek Neighborhood Association puts on concerts at the humble and cozy Ardenwald Park every Thursday in August.

My neighbors
More of my neighbors
Baxter gets down
My sister Adrienne and friend Elizabeth
Jared photobomb!
Amelia dancing

It was fun while we were there! Some friends and family joined us, we had a picnic, and the kids ran around like crazy. The only downer was that Amelia threw a huge fit about leaving at the set break (our usual bedtime is around 7, and it was 8 already) and we had a big argument. Well, and also that the kids didn’t eat much and Baxter had repeating tantrums when I cut off the sweets. Can anyone tell me at what age these later evening outdoor events become 100% fun to bring kids to? My munchkins tend to take the break in routine as an excuse to act like jerks, and it makes me not want to do this kind of stuff in the first place, you know?

Well, at least Amelia got to dance a little.

100 days of daily blogging

IMG_6250-2

Today is the 100th day in a row that I’ve published something on this blog!

I know, right? 🙂

I’ve been blogging with WordPress since about 2006, when I started my wine blog, Wine Scamp. Then I got pregnant and stopped blogging. Then I started again, and got pregnant again and stopped blogging. Except that’s also when I got a job working on the WordPress open source project full time. I was hired to help community organizers make great community events, and have had a blast working with amazing people at Automattic and throughout the WordPress community since 2011.

In late 2014, my friend and colleague Jen Mylo and I wanted to try organizing events for WordPress bloggers, since we saw a need in the community for events that brought together those who use the software (as opposed to those who build the software). We created the Press Publish conference brand/series (we really need to update that page; no new events are forthcoming right now) and organized two pilot events to try out our idea. It was an intense 3-4 months, but lots of fun too.

Organizing a conference for bloggers was very inspirational. I like expressive people. I’m expressive, and I like people who have something to say. I was originally inspired to work for Automattic because of the WordPress mission to democratize publishing, which in my mind means that we’re giving a platform, a megaphone, to anyone with a message. I might not agree with the message, but I do so love the idea of making sure everyone has a voice.

Talking to all these bloggers awakened my hunger to blog. That said, I’m a busy person! I have two kids under 7, a full-time job at Automattic and a husband who also works full-time for an architectural firm. I wanted to blog, but I didn’t know how I was going to fit all that lovely self-expression into my life. Or what I’d be saying. 🙂

That said, I posted to Facebook or Twitter nearly every day (mostly Facebook). Cute pictures of the kids, funny things they said, insights (complaints) about life as a full-time-working-for-an-employer mom of two in these modern times. So I figured: what if I just post all that stuff on my blog instead?

And here you see the results! 🙂 I use the WordPress iOS app every single day: to post, check my stats, approve comments (boy I love comments), see who’s “liking” my posts, etc. I will admit that my posts come out looking a wee bit funny on Facebook aand Twitter, but I will say that the actual experience of putting my thoughts, photos, and feelings out there is about the same whether someone is reading or not. Expressing myself has felt good for the past 100 days. I think I’ll go for 100 more!

Can’t wait to try these wines from Trader Joes

I’ve tried the Espiral Rosé already and love it, but Picpoul and Muscadet Sèvre et Maine are two wines that I typically have to spend a fair amount of money to drink these days, so I’m very interested to try TJ’s under-$10 offerings of both. I’ll keep you posted!